ever.always.only.

2011-02-22T22:27:00.000-05:00

Jesus said whatever you do to the least of these my brothers you’ve done it to me. And this is what I’ve come to think. That if I want to identify fully with Jesus Christ, who I claim to be my savior and Lord, the best way that I can do that is to identify with the poor. This I know will go against the teachings of all the popular evangelical preachers. But they’re just wrong. They’re not bad, they’re just wrong. Christianity is not about building an absolutely secure little niche in the world where you can live with your perfect little wife and your perfect little children in a beautiful little house where you have no gays or minority groups anywhere near you. Christianity is about learning to love like Jesus loved and Jesus loved the ...poor and Jesus loved the broken.

-Rich Mullins

One Thing

2011-01-29T09:40:00.001-05:00

Here is one very wise bit of advice I recently learned from my 4 year old. The quote goes something along the lines of "Daddy, we do not sniff other people's booties." I really think those are words to live by.

The Biggest Loser

2011-01-24T22:22:00.003-05:00

perhaps the guy on The Bachelor is really the biggest loser. I mean.. if you have to go on television to find love and feel better about yourself, I don't know.. maybe you've got some issues. Maybe.

If you enjoyed my suggestion about April Smith, you should check out a band called Holy Ghost Tent Revival. A very good time and currently their song, Gettin' Over Your Love, is the kids' favorite song for dancing.

2011-01-24T14:16:00.003-05:00

To Brandon:

Thanks for waiting patiently for me to post something. I'm happy that you think highly enough of me to wait this long for me to have something to share. I'm also saddened by this, as I have very little to offer.

Did I mention April Smith and the Great Picture Show? Find a video for the song Colors, and for Movie Loves a Screen. Good times.

why bother

2011-01-22T20:16:00.001-05:00

so I'm sort of wondering why I am even going to bother w/ a post. It's been 2 years. Will anyone even see this? Hmm.... who knows.

In other news, I'm really digging April Smith and The Great Picture Show. That girl can sing.

this is a post..

2009-02-17T21:51:00.000-05:00

...and here it is.

Thank you very much.

the ground, it turns to gold.

2008-10-25T15:31:00.002-04:00

"there's a tree on Maple Street that turns so yellow
turns loose it's leaves, the ground, it turns to gold.."

so.. it's October. Almost November. The above song lyric is quite true at the moment all around east Tennessee. It's beautiful right now. Lots of good color. Probably more to come in the next week or two. I really love the fall, even the colder weather. It's a welcomed change...at least to me.

As you may have already heard, or read, we are having another baby!!!!! Michelle is pregnant and due June 11, 2009. Jackson's birthday is June 8, so they will be exactly 3 years apart. This is exciting news. We have already been able to hear the baby's heartbeat, just this past week actually, and have seen what little can be seen on an ultrasound. Michelle's doing okay, but is feeling worse this time around than she did w/ Jackson. We're hoping that will pass before too long..we shall see. The plan, at least at this point, is to not find out the gender this time around. Again.. we shall see. Pray that Michelle, and baby, are as healthy as possible during the pregnancy and beyond. Pray for us too... we are no doubt going to have our hands full.

In other news, we are enjoying our new home and settled in quite nicely for the most part. We've been fairly busy w/ company lately. My parents, and Michelle's, came down the weekend of my birthday. (Oct 11) Yes I am one year older. 31 if anyone is curious. Don't look a day older than 30 though. Evidently I sound younger. I've been asked on the phone a couple times recently at work how old I was.. one lady told me I sounded young and naive. THANKS. Actually considering the conversation I was having w/ her I'll take the naive as a compliment as she seems to view most people as beyond hope and not worth helping. Other than these few strange phone conversations, work is going quite well. I'm very busy in the office I'm working in right now which very often keeps me there past the scheduled hours. This is not that surprising and would be less of a hassle if it weren't for the 45 minute commute to get home at the end of the day. I know people drive farther...but I'd like to be driving less. There may be a chance of that happening for me soon. We shall wait and see what develops.

Back to the company comment from above. The weekend after the parents were all down, we had our wonderful, and quite entertaining, friends Michael and Kristin Scott w/ us. They are great. We always have fun w/ them and have much in common. We all share a love of the finer things in life; Olive Garden breadsticks, Pratt's barbecue, cheesecake, and of course playing w/ Jackson. They brought him a dump truck which hasn't stopped rolling up and down the hallway since... if you stop by you are sure to see Jackson standing in the living room, bent over the dump truck. You will then hear him say "GO FAST", followed by him running down the hall and back. If you stay long enough you'll probably see him trip and fall, or actually flip over the truck which is evidently quite fun, and then pick himself up and "go fast" once again.

This weekend (and part of the week) has brought the Archer's from South Carolina to our home. Tommy and Carolyn are our good friends we met in Myrtle Beach. Their son Gavin is 2 weeks older than Jackson. They became best friends during our time in South Carolina and Jackson still talks about his best budy Gavin. We've been really glad that they've had time to stop in and see us while they have been out and about doing some travelling. The friendship with their family is really one of the best experiences we had in this past year, that was filled w/ a decent amount of frustration and at times disappointment.

That's about all I've got for now. Hope everyone else out there is well..and also enjoying the fall.

so good to be home...

2008-09-05T22:02:00.002-04:00

Okay, so it's been a little while since I've posted anything. By a little while, I mean around 3 months. Here is what the past few months have been like for me and mine.

By the middle of June, I was becoming sufficiently convinced that Ed Jones, of the Horry County Shelter Home, was right in his warnings to me about the job I had gotten into w/ DJJ. I was also becoming sufficiently convinced that if things continued as they were I may lose my mind in the process of trying to do the job the way it needed to be done. After going in early and staying late every day, and working on the weekends (including on Jackson's birthday) I was quite frazzled. Then some some more stressful scenarios, along w/ a lack of any real supervisory directions, suport, or concern. Now bear in mind that at this point Michelle and and I were resolutely decided that South Carolina was not for us and we wanted to move back to Tennessee. SO...

Friday, June 27, 2008 was my last day of employment w/ the South Carolina Dept of Juvenile Justice. The following Monday I resumed employment at the wonderful Horry County Shelter Home , and began the process of setting up interviews back in East Tennessee. Though there was some stress and uncertainty due to housing and job concerns, July and August were actually quite enjoyable from a work perspective. I got to reconnect w/ 5 boys who had been living at the Shelter Home during my previous employment there and then get to know a few new ones. I had actually been feeling pretty guilty over not keeping in contact w/ the Shelter Home during my stint w/ DJJ. It was nice to go back and be able to work there for the remainder of the summer. The Director, Ed Jones, is a very good man and was quite willing to take me back even knowing that it was again only temporary.

After a couple trips of house hunting and interviewing in Northeast Tennesseee, the second week of August brought some results. During the same trip we entered into a contract on a home and I was guaranteed a job back w/ the Tennessee Dept of Children's Services. I actually was offered jobs w/ two other agencies as well, which I declined. SO...

On Monday, August 25, our good friend Ryan Griffin drove a rental car down to Myrtle Beach, helped us pick up the moving truck, and along w/ some other good friends helped us load the truck. Tuesday morning we finished some packing up and by mid morning hit the road. We arrived in the Johnson City around 7:30 that night and moved into our new place on Wednesday. My parents came into town on that day to help us and to stay through Labor Day. They put in some late hours and some hard work while they were in town too. I then started my job this week on Tuesday, Sept 2. We met at the title company office today at 1pm for closing. SO..

The house is officially ours, and I am back at my old place of employment. It is very good to be home. Very Good. I think that perhaps we learned some good lessons, and mad some good friends in Myrtle Beach. I don't necessarily regret going either. I think it probably served a purpose and gave us a new experience in life. But.. once again it is good to be "home".

My job is not the same as te one I used to do and as of right now, I'll be working in an office that's a bit farther away an will require more driving than I'd prefer. However, I know most of the people in that office already and they seem genuinely happy to see me back. In face everyone I've run into has been very kind and caring, and seems genuinely excited that I'm back...which is nice to say the least. Lesson for others who may read this: never burn any bridges.....

At any rate. Here I sit in wonderful, beautiful, awe-inspiring East Tennessee...in my own home w/ no noisy upstairs neighbors or scary groups of people sitting in the parking lot passing alcohol and other substances back and forth (that's what it was like at Myrtle Beach). I'm looking forward to cutting grass again, and having a yard for Jackson to play in, and sitting on our porch swing (thanks mom and dad, and enjoying the fall weather and fall colors displayed beautifully on the appalachian mountains...and the list could go on.

Come visit. We've got a guest bedroom waiting for you.

hot hot heat

2008-06-08T22:30:00.002-04:00

Summer has just started...right? Well it’s already quite uncomfortable down here in the hot and humid south. The past few days it's been in the upper 90's and a little further inland it's been right at 100 degrees!! Wow. Not sure what else to say about that.

Life is very busy lately for us. As a new employee with the South Carolina Department of Juvenile Justice, there’s a good bit of training to get out of the way. I’ve already spent two different weeks away from home in Columbia, South Carolina which is about 3 hours from our home. This upcoming week should be my last full week away from home for training. I’m not really looking forward to going but am looking forward to being done. Not only is it time away from family, but also time away from actually doing the job I’m in training for, which means when I get back to the office I have to work extra to try and catch up. This also keeps me away from Michelle and Jackson. I’m hoping once training is done, things will get at least slightly less hectic at work.

At home, life is good. Jackson is now two years old and he's definitely been testing his limits more for a few months now. He's learned more and more how to throw a fit, or tantrum, but all things considered he still behaves really well most of the time. He recently travelled on a plane with Michelle, without any major issuse. I was impressed by that. We're pretty fortunate to have the little boy that we have. He's a great mixture of incredibly sweet and incredibly rowdy, and he's very very funny. You just have to see him in action to really understand.

Monday morning will find me in Columbia again...being trained. For right now, I need to finish packing and preparing to go for another week. That's all from me.

a different world

2008-03-03T22:13:00.002-05:00

so..i'm in training. in columbia. staying in a very very very nice hotel. the hyatt place. sharing a room w/ a 25 year old who lives a very very very different life than me. there's two other guys here from my office. one in his early 40s and married. the other's about 25 also. the younger 2 are single. very very very single. pretty much all they talk about is drinking and sex...and combining the two. one of them has singled out the girl in our training group that he's trying to flirt w/, etc.. she happens to be married, a military wife. he doesn't care. he thinks if he can get her drinking..he's got a chance...

so there you have it. that's the sort of company i'm in for the week. i'm not particularly impressed or excited about it. i'm pretty content to listen to music, read, watch tv and sleep in my down time. to these guys, i'm the weirdo. they live in a different world than me. i'm hoping the week goes quickly. it's already starting to get a little tiresome.

so here i sit in the hotel lobby, in the business center or whatever they call this little cubby hole w/ computers. it is a really nice hotel though. i can't complain about the accomodations. perhaps i'll write more later. for now i'm going to go see what's going on in my room. last i knew they were in the other guys' room drinking and watching basketball.

last night home...for a while

2008-03-02T23:37:00.002-05:00

so, tomorrow morning i'm heading out early. (by 6am at least) i'll be in columbia, south carolina this week for training. by the time i get home on thursday, our wonderful friends kristen and michael will be waiting on me. michelle's going to be driving up to wilmington, nc on thursday to pick them up at the airport. i'm excited to see them..not so excited about training. it's basically an orientation training, no real job specifics just overall agency stuff. should be fairly boring and uneventful, but it is a necessary evil evidently. i really don't want to be away from michelle and jackson for the week but.. nothing can really be done about it. in tennessee when i went away to training i was always given a room to myself, so michelle and jackson could come along if she could get away from work at least for a few days. south carolina evidently doesn't have the budget to do that, so we share rooms at training, plus... michelle''s got too much to do this week anyways..

so enough whining about that. i'm sure it'll be fine and will probably go by pretty quickly. i may have internet access and have the ability to post something while i'm there. it's also possibly that i may not. we shall see. i'm sure you'll be anxiously awaiting. until then. good night.

next steps

2008-02-14T13:45:00.002-05:00

So, as some of you have already heard.. I got a new job (again). I've only been working at the Horry County Shelter Home since the beginning of November..or so. After two interviews and a short wait, I got the call offering me a position w/ the South Carolina, Department of Juvenile Justice. I'll be working in the Horry County Courthouse in Coway, in the hall that says Juvenile Probation (in case anyone tries to stop by my office). To the best of my knowledge I'll be responsible for juveniles on probation, as well as some who are in the custody of the state of South Carolina as delinquents. My first two years w/ Tennessee's Dept. of Children's Services were spent in the Juvenile Justice Division being responsible for....juveniles on probation, as well as some who were in the custody of the state.. You get the idea. Very similar positions. I'm sure there will be many differences though as here it is a completely seperate state department, and laws and procedures vary from state to state.

I'm very excited to try something new, to meet new people, and to be back in a more professional setting. At the same time I'll miss the casual, familiar environment at the Shelter Home and will very much miss the kids I've developed relationships w/ thus far. The boys have really enjoyed having another male staff around, as the only other 2 males work on the weekends and one of them doesn't work that often. It's obvious how important a relationship w/ an adult male is and unfortunately some of them have either never had that, or they have been dysfunctional or abusive. The experience, though short so far, has been good and interesting to observe how kids relate to adults. I've found that some of those who have struggled w/ me the most as I've tried to enforce rules are the ones who seem to feel closest to me, and are upset that I won't be around 5 days a week. Though I think I already knew about that dynamic, it's interesting to watch unfold. So for those who weren't aware. Kids not only need structure but on some level, perhaps subconsciously, they actually want that structure.

My plan is to still work a shift here and there at the shelter home, and possibly for Michelle, Jackson and I to stop by every now and again to say hi. We may even try to cook dinner and bring it out to them from time to time. I'm not sure how often that will be able to happen, but we will have to see how that all plays out. The other unfortunate aspect is the time frame. I was notified very late and was only afforded the opportunity to give a one week notice to the Shelter Home, though the director has been aware of, and even involved in helping my job search.

As for the new position. I have to report to Columbia, SC on Tuesday of next week to basically have a brief orientation (and papework session of course) w/ Personnel. Then I'll be back here and reporting to Conway on Wednesday. At some point I'll have a week or two of training in Columbia to accomplish. That's about all I know at this point. Actually the other thing I know is that I'll have to do some shopping this weekend. My previous jobs have been more on th casual end of business casual. I'll be expected to wear a bit nicer clothes, for example a tie and on court days a suit coat/sports jacket. I don't really own any sort of coat like that and very few ties so.. we'll have to shop around and see what we can come up with.

I'll try to keep some updates coming as things progress so folks can know what's going on and how we are adjusting. For now, I have to get ready to go to the Shelter Home.

a post

2008-01-23T08:52:00.001-05:00

here is a new post, as it's been way too long once again. i really meant to update more often, but so much for good intentions i guess. christmas has come and gone. it was good, fun, relaxing, exciting, fulfilling, and other good things. we travelled to indiana and got to spend time w/ family and friends....not enough time of course, but time nonetheless. jackson did really well travelling but unfortunately was sick during part of our stay there. he finally got to feeling better and then it was time for michelle and i to get sick w/ cold and sinus stuff.

for those who wouldn't know already, i quit the job w/ bluegreen resorts at the end of october. i was jobless about one week and then went to work at a place called Horry County Shelter Home. it's a shelter for abused, neglected and abandoned children. there's a boys' house and a girls' house there. i work in the boys' house only. i'm sort of like a "house parent" for them while i'm there. we've had kids as young as 6 and as old as 16. right now they're all between 10 and 14. eleven boys can be quite a handful. at any rate, i work 3pm to 11pm 5 nights a week usually. i'm almost always on the weekend and then a couple nights during the week. the kids are great and in the aspect of relationship building w/ kids (which is where real change and impact comes from) it's one of the best jobs i've had. however, the pay is not very good really, and the schedule isn't that great for someone who's married and has kids of their own. soon i should be switching to just working evenings monday through friday, w/ a pay raise. it's still not what we truly need, so i continue to explore options. i interviewed w/ the south carolina department of juvenile justice yesterday morning. it would basically be a juvenile probation job, probably supervising some juveniles actually placed in custody as well. this is what i did my first two years in tennessee w/ the department of children's services so it would be something i'd have some familiarity w/ at least and the pay would be better, plus we'd have options for benefits that i don't have right now. so... it could be anywhere from a week to a month before i know anything for sure. there may be second interviews.. but right now, i'll be waiting to hear.

honestly, i hate the thought of leaving the shelter home job, because of some of th kids. but that's all part of it. you can get attached pretty quickly when you spend 40 hours every week supervising, eating, playing, helping w/ homework, listening, and hopefully teaching a group of kids. i may continue to pick up a few hours here and there, or at least stop by to volunteer and visit every once in a while, if i do get this other job. even though it's intended to be short term placements the majority of those kids have been there for several months. one's been there 2 years and another one year.

so that's the scoop on that. when i'm not working, i'm trying to make the most of the time i have at home w/ jackson. we've still been able to get out to some parks now and then this winter as it is really is much more mild here than where we've lived before. should be 60 today actually. that ain't too bad for january.

that's all for now.

october

2007-10-25T20:54:00.000-04:00

so october has come and almost gone..and no posts... not that nothing's going on at all, but i just haven't had much to write i suppose. maybe that's not true.. maybe i just haven't been sure what to write. i've taken a job (dead-end job for my purposes).. and i'm about ready to quit. i'm really not making enough for it to be worth my time and effort. nothing has materialized for me in my actual "profession". i'm still pursuing those possibilities though and remain hopeful that something will turn up relatively soon. until then.. it's kind of a bummer but i'm enjoying having more time at home w/ jackson that i've had in the past.

tonight the stars speak

2007-10-25T20:48:00.000-04:00

tonight the stars speak of your infinite love, and it serves to remind me
that what I have means nothing at all, compared to your glory, Oh lord
how long till your voice speaks clearly?
how long till your arms envelope me?
I cry be my strength when I am weak
Oh Lord have mercy on me please
my spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak, i cry in your arms now
God grant me the strength to rest in you, i lift my hands and cry
how long till your voice speaks clearly?
how long till your arms envelop me?
I cry be my strength when I am weak
Oh Lord have mercy on me please

-the glorious unseen

catching up ...

2007-09-05T16:14:00.000-04:00

so it's been a while since the last post... i'll try to catch everyone (and by everyone I mean my cousin Brandon and maybe my friend Kevin as they make up the majority of my readers) up to speed.

last i wrote was the day after we thought we were supposed to close. okay. so we're thinking it could be any time, like maybe it'll be friday the 17th,...maybe it could even be on a saturday. if not it'll definitely be the beginning of the following week. so here's what happens. late in the day on Friday the 18th (maybe 4:30ish) we're told, oh well the bank just let us know that a special inspection that should have been done weeks ago never happened. we'll have to schedule that. sorry. it probably won't happen till tuesday. and actually the earliest we can close is next Friday the 24th because we have to order a check (?) and it takes all week to get that done. so all that crap about if we have paperwork in order by a certain time in the afternoon, we can close the next day wasn't true. it was evidently a lie (or oversight) as it takes a whole week for some sort of check to be written. SO

tuesday of the following week i'm trying to figure out when they're coming for this inspection. i can't get a hold of anyone on the phone so i call the bank that's handling the loan and start asking questions. the lady tells me the last she heard that inspection was done on friday. the same friday when we first heard it hadn't been done and couldn't be done till the next week. however this occurred someone, somwhere claims to have done the inspection on friday. whatever... so we're good to close this coming friday, the 24th. everything's in order. we had been worried about the termite report. there's been damage. we figure w/ it being FHA money they'll want a structural inspection to be safe...bank is saying it's fine. good to go. thursday we get the confirmed location and time for closing. everything's good. they tell our realtor that yes everything is in order. the termite thing wasn't an issue. we're golden.

we show up to close on friday, august 24th after having spent all day packing a moving truck and anticipating hitting the road early the next morning. our realtor shows at the same time. as we're walking into the building w/ her she says.. "there is a snag. it's pretty much your worst nightmare." turns out whoever's been saying everything is grand doesn't really have the authority to do so.the final approver didn't get all the paperwork til 11:30 that day. the day we're supposed to close at 4:30. Evidently around 2:30 they're saying... hm.. the termite letter indicates past damages, we're going to have to get a structural inspection!!

now all it takes is a letter by someone who is a licensed contractor saying that it is structurally sound. the buyer is a finish carpenter and works for licensed contractor.after some pleading from the buyer his boss agrees to go look. he finally agrees (after some coaching by our realtor) to write a letter that clears the house to sell...though he is leary of personal liability. turns out after sitting and waiting and sweating and wanting to swear and yell.. that the green light is given. this is aourn 7pm. too late for money. we'll have to wait till monday for the money to hit out account but... we can close. we do. we eat. we pack more...and clean...until much too late at night. we get up later than originally planned and still have to pack and clean. we leave Jonesborough, TN later than originally planned w/ me driving a 24 foot moving truck w/ a gross vehicel weight of 25,900 pounds. holy cow that's big!! at least to me. i'm sort of scared..maybe even very scared about driving, but we make it. it's about a 6.5 hour drive we did in about 8. not bad w/ that beast of a truck.

moral of the story. you never know what's going to happen. you cannot trust that other people will do their job as they should. don't be too quick to freak out, their may be a solution: or as my former supervisor would say "well now, let's not fall down till we've been shot." and it provides a sense of accomplishment to do something you are apprehensive about, i.e. driving said moving truck.

we're in myrtle beach, south carolina now. we're unpacked. mostly settled..and i'm still unemployed. so that's my job right now, to find a job. wish me luck.

thursday.august16.2007.

2007-08-16T21:42:00.000-04:00

watching the finale of so you think you can dance. (of course what else would we do) as for the house stuff..... no news today literally.... our realtor called today around 1:30 and left messages w/ several people to see if we could be closing tomorrow. noone ever returned her call....all day. that's stupid and not very respectful or considerate... but is it surprising? not really. not really at all.

so as of right now, don't look like we'll get to leave town as planned. that means contacting utitities here to tell them to stay on longer, changing the reservation w/ budget, not being able to have our friends help us move as planned, and at least a couple more days of worry. it'll likely be monday as it is extremely rare (evidently) to ever close on a saturday. of course it could be later than monday. that's great huh? no. not really. and the landlords in myrtle beach are expecting us (and our money) by saturday. gotta love that.

the other cool thing: the truck is leaking transmission fluid..again. it's happened a couple times over the past few years. luckily (and unluckily) it's been in different places so it's not that the repair's been done wrong. if all goes as planned they'll have the part in the morning and i'll have it back by tomorrow afternoon. wasn't expecting that, but when are you ever really expecting things like that.

so... nothing is exactly what we hoped it would be at this point. just goes to show you that plans don't always pan out and you've got to be able to adjust and roll w/ the punches or you'll end up overwhelmed and feeling defeated.

things will work out. we'll let you know how it goes.

.....

2007-08-15T20:58:00.001-04:00

budget is cheaper than uhaul...at least where we are...just thought i'd share.

is this what we've become??

2007-08-15T20:31:00.000-04:00

i am sitting in my living room watching the final performance episode of So You Think You Can Dance.....on purpose... that's right...because I actually want to watch it. i used to blame it on michelle but i've now actually gotten to the point of just admitting that i like it. and yes i watch american idol too.. what's happened to me i wonder? where did i go wrong? hmm.. this will take some soul searching thought, but in the meantime i'll be watching a hip hop routine, a broadway routing, and maybe a smooth waltz...you know how i love the smooth waltz.

so on to other things. some folks, maybe most folks know this already, but michelle and jackson of course, will be moving soon. OR will we? we were supposed to close on the sale of our home here in beautiful tennessee today. (however we did not) we then were to pick up our moving truck friday morning and get moved over the weekend to sunny, hot and humid south carolina..myrtle beach to be exact. (we may not make it this weekend though) so why the move? and why the uncertainty in the plans now?

ground zero opened a second office there about a year ago. the president, who directly supervises michelle, moved there to get that started. it was decided back in the late winter/spring that the most logical and effective plan was for the 3 staff who answer directly to the president be in the same location with him. SO two of the three have already moved this summer and that is where we come in. (that's the short version of the story)

so we had planned to close on the house today and get moved. WELL as sometimes happens in these circumstances, there are last minute paperwork and signature issues. as far as we know, and are being told, "everything looks good" and "this should work out just fine", BUT they've delayed the closing and we've been told nothing is a sure thing till you walk away from the closing table.... so we're a little stressed. everything should be okay and we may close Friday, if not it should be early next week...should be.. obviously i'll feel better when i know it's over.

so... we'll be south carolinians (is that a word?). it is hot, humid, more expensive, more crowded, and i'm actually looking forward to it. honestly... as weird as it's going to feel and as much as i'll miss the mountains and the overall wonder that is east tennessee, i'm excited to get to know a new place and all that kind of thing.

in other news, the everybodyfields have a new cd coming out in a week or so called nothing is okay. they are wonderful. sort of sad sack, melancholy, beautifully harmonizing country/folk/americana/slowgrass (i made that last one up). check 'em out. the male voice is a little weird at first but give it time to grow on you.

and for those who aren't aware the previous post (doubting thomas) is a song by nickel creek. it just really struck me how honest and interesting, and sometimes close to home, that song is.

final tidbit. jackson ate a spider last week. whatcha think 'bout that? we thought it a little gross.
he seemed to think it quite humorous. silly boy!

doubting thomas

2007-08-08T21:47:00.000-04:00

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who've known me
Will I discover a soul-saving love Or just the dirt above and below me

I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise But I do not feel safe
Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of death I bet he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises Cause I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take your promise Though I know nothin's safe
Oh me of little faith

hot hot hot

2007-06-09T09:21:00.000-04:00

it is quite hot indeed here in tennessee at least. the humidity is 97% right now. that's a great way to start the day. oh well... yesterday was jackson's first birthday. he's 1. this year has gone by really quickly. in some ways it doesn't seem possible that he's been around that long, in other ways it feels like forever.. in a good way of course. he's stll not walking but he has stood on his own for a few seconds, several times in the past week or so. mostly by accident but probably soon will be on purpose. since we've already done birthday w/ my mom and dad, and then w/ brandon, randi, callie, ryan, and erica all back in may...that didn't leave much of anyone here to party w/. i ended up being home a little early though, so we went shopping for clothes and toys, ate pizza, went to the park and took some pictures, and then got ice cream on the way home. that was the most ice cream he's ever eaten and he was really loving it.

today we'll probably just hang out. i've got some stuff to do around the house but michelle and jackson are leaving tomorrow and will not be back till thursday evening so i'll wait and do the work stuff while they're gone and enjoy today as much as we can. they're headed for myrtle beach. michelle's got some meetings to be part of down there. erica is going along to hang out and to help w/ jackson. i'll be here home alone. poor me.

so i finished blue like jazz, by donald miller. finally finished a week or so ago. i hate to sound like a trend hopping, bandwagon joiner but....it really is that good of a book. it was really enjoyable to read that. some good thoughts to ponder and re-examine but even more than that just written in a really enjoyable way. very conversational, somewhat random, very humorous. felt like conversations i might have had w/ a friend. good times. next on my list is an arrow pointing to heaven, which is about rich mullins. i've read bits and pieces but want to actually finish it.

i also watched the karate kid recently. 'nuff said there. one of the best movies, of my time. :)

as i'm typing, i'm realizing that my main reader, or subscriber if you will, is out of country right now in mozabique to be exact. that would be my cousin brandon. to anyone else who may stumble across this you might think of him and say a prayer for safety and a meaningful life lesson for brandon.

i should probably get going.

i scream, you scream, we all scream...

2007-05-22T21:14:00.000-04:00

for barbecue.. and then ice cream. good combination. trust me...jackson even agrees, so it must be good. we ate some barbecue tonight w/ good friends celebrating the end of school (she's a teacher, ready for summer). for whoever might read this (probably just my cuz brandon) you need to have barbecue in the south, and southeast before you really know if you like it. to brandon: i'm sure it's good in oklahoma, but come out here and sample some..it'll change your life.

we had a good weekend in pigeon forge and gatlinburg w/ my mom and dad. jackson had an absolute blast. he stayed happy all weekend . he's such a funny, interactive, relational little dude. and sooo happy and content. to anyone who may consider going to dollywood, prepare to spend an arm and a leg to eat food that's just okay. but..what else would you expect i guess? our cabin was nice, the weather even nicer, and it was great to just relax a little.

then back to work. the good news is that this coming monday is a holiday and as i work for a government agency, i have the day off. that's one of the best benefits i get. if the post offices are closed, i'm not at work. plus the insurance is pretty awesome too.

my buddy ryan gave me refused's, the shape of punk to come this evening. i've heard about this cd for a few years but never really listened.. wow!! considering when it was released it was ahead of its time i'd say. pretty great stuff. also been listening to steve earle a lot...i'd still like to get th new maylene and the sons of disaster relase. i may have to order online as noone in town seems to be carrying...or get best buy to order i guess. anyways... more news soon and that's a promise.

Jim loves Pam...

2007-05-17T21:31:00.000-04:00

or maybe not. if you have no idea what the title refers to, you probably wouldn't care. (the office, of course) i must say it ended up being a decent enough season finale. should be interesting to see where things go next year season...

the season ender for criminal minds last night was pretty good also, as was the finale of CSI New York, though it was a bit far fetched....arent' they all though for that matter. all this leads me to one main conclusion. i watch entirely too much television evidently.

my parents will in town this weekend, actually not in this town though. we're meeting in pigeon forge and staying at a cabin. should be fun. a trip to dollywood is in store as well. for those not in the know, yes, dollywood is named after dolly parton.

jackson is doing well. pulling up. standing. cruising along the furniture a little. not really trying to take any real steps yet though. he's still a bit of a skinny little guy, but healthy as can be. he only weighs around 18 pounds at 11 months, whereas several friends' babies have been around 20 by six months. he eats pretty well and is healthy. just has a fast metabolism i guess. he's very funny lately too. lots of funny faces and whatnot.

the past week or so has been spent on some minor home improvement projects. finishing some painting from last year...and even farther back in time, some flowers and mulching, replacing closet doors, etc... it's long overdue, and not that daunting once you finally just do it. other than that, work as usual and trying to have fun w/ jackson as well. the weather has been mostly good. today was about as awesome as can be. sunny skies and about 70 for a high.

my work is much the same as always. i like what i do but feel frustrated by the culture of the workplace, the lack of strong leadership in the organization, and the fact that we have days like last friday which was a "fun" day for a picnic and games...but it just so happened that it was mandatory. mandatory fun huh? if anyone saw the office last week they'll see the eery parallel to my work world right off the bat. i've also struggled w/ motivation a little more than normal lately, but i know part of the reason behind that as well....which i'll share in another post soon i'm sure.

my current supervisor's a pretty good guy. he's into the whole americana/alt-county/no depressoin scene somewhat. i turned him on to the band gasoline heart which he's quite enjoying. he's given me several cds to listen to as well. a couple by buddy miller (have to say poision love was the best one there), steve earle's, el corazon (surprising great stuff), uncle tupelo's anodyne (...the jury's still out on that one), chris knight's self titled release (pretty good thus far)..and i guess that's about all. other than gasoline heart, i also introduced him to the strange beauty that is the everybodyfields, and derek webb..which he didn't really care for. plus the will the circle be unbroken vol 1 (nitty gritty dirt band and others) circa 1976 or so.

so i've been listening to those cds a lot lately, plus cursive's domestica, and a couple of vagrant records comps for some strange reason. and as far as that goes...man i really missed the boat on the alkaline trio. i think i could have been a big fan.

i should run. gotta go in to work early, as i'll be leaving early to head for the cabin w/ my parents. plus my contacts are so dry, i can barely see my computer screen.

late night

2007-04-04T23:39:00.000-04:00

i suppose saying it's late might make me sound old. it's not midnight yet, but it's getting close to it. we are leaving tomorrow hopefully sometime between 2 and 2:30 pm, which is why it would be good if i were asleep already. driving makes me tired. it's only going to be worse if i've not gotten enough sleep, but here i am. i had put off doing a few things thinking i'd do them tonight. then michelle and i had an unplanned outing to kingsport which sort of threw things off. so here i am. but i am headed for bed soon.

the good news about driving tomorrow is we aren't going all the way. there are a couple reasons why. one we are leaving later in the day. two, we want to keep to jackson's eating routine as much as we can as travelling always sort of throws him off. might as well keep a few things consistent for him. a third reason, or maybe more a benefit, is that the office is on and it's a new episode so we'll be planning to stop in time to catch that for sure. :)

anyone who might read this blog but hasn't checked out pics of jackson needs to. there's a couple spots you need to go: thepricelinephotos.shutterfly.com
and youtube.com/user/froste47
might as well check it out. i mean really.

i'm currently listening to (and enjoying) the following:
The Showdown -Temptation Come My Way
Cursive - Happy Hollow
John Mellencamp-Rough Harvest
House of Heroes - Say no More

Strange? maybe... that's okay. good night and good luck.

April is upon us...

2007-04-02T11:34:00.000-04:00

looks like i went through the whole month of march w/ no posts....how could i? i'm such a bad blogger... april is here and it's still remarkably warm. near 80 today and tomorrow, then the cool off for easter. i'm sure it'll rain this weekend too since it always rains on easter as best as i can tell. i'm home from work for a couple hours while michelle has staff meeting. it's nice to work someplace where i can flex my schedule like that. i'll have to head out of here again within the next hour and finish off the day back at work. jackson's just now rousing from his nap. i can hear him in his crib talking to....well whatever he's talking to. most likely the wall, and he'll probably be standing propped up against the crib rail, maybe chewing on it when i go in there. before the nap i got some good video footage of him crawling and playing which i'm sure michelle will update to youtube sometime soon.

in non-jackson news: saturday ground zero helped host and provide volunteers for a concert. mercy me w/ audio adrenaline. it's audio a's farwell tour. (round 2) their album, bloom,was great..haven't really listened to them since but i hear their still good live. anyways...i still didn't hear them on saturday.we left before the concert. the interesting thing i wanted to bring up was this... as soon as i walk in the venue i see a guy that looks familiar. he looks just like one of my alltime favorite rockers and vocalists Brian McSweeney!!!!! he was the front man for seven day jesus and then for a band called matthew. turns out it was him. he's filling in on guitar for tyler burkum who already left audio a before finishing the touring and such... i spoke to him a bit. he acted surprised anyone would remember or recognize him, which is foolish b/c he's an amazing musician. and he remembered an encounter w/ my buddy kevin lutes at a show in chicago. good times indeed. now since he left seven day jesus he's sort of walked away from the christian music scene and some of the fans from that scene have questioned some of his choices. he actually mentioned that he's trying hard right now to just get his relationship w/ God right, and back on track, that he had sort of walked away from that and was waiting on that first and then to see what God might have for him in music... so that's awesome to hear too. if you read michelle's blog you'll see her quote a song, which is her favorite song, which was penned by brian mcsweeney. just fyi.

gotta go.

water pump?

2007-02-26T09:01:00.000-05:00

doesn't sound like it would cost much....

food for thought...

2007-02-10T10:22:00.000-05:00

"There are no mere ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations- these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit- immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously-no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be a real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner- no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses..." -CS Lewis, The Weight of Glory

amen

take the picture now (by mineral)

2007-02-04T08:24:00.000-05:00

there are blue skies in my dreams, and laughter that seems unending. there are green grass fields there and happiness and hope for tomorrow. my cup is full and my heart spills awkward and embarrassing blood onto white-golden streets, and i am unashamed of the stains my steps leave. tears stream down my cheeks only to meet their redeemer and be wiped away, and there is joy ah there is joy.

american idol

2007-01-24T22:39:00.000-05:00

is back. are you excited? american idol!!!! yippee. michelle and i do actually enjoy american idol as much as i hate to admit that. this first bit is a bit overdone, all the terrible,weird, annoying people trying out. it's funny but only for a minute or two, then it gets old. anyways... take that for what it's worth. there was a guy that looked like fidel castro on last night and he was awesome. he's my favorite so far.. so there you are...

i got my office moved over the building next door. it'll be nice there's going to be a lot of empy cubicles in that building now so our team will be fairly secluded and things should be quietwhen we're actually there in our own offices. the secretary seems the least little bit militant about rules that i'm pretty sure don't really exist. but that's okay too.

i got jackson over to my office on monday to show him off a little and that was good. he's such a good little guy. very cute but such a good personality. at this point he's not scared of having other people talking at him or holding him. i'd like to think he'll stay that way and retain some of that openness to people. it really struck me when my coworker tom was holding him. tom's a bit rough around the edges at times and his looks can be a little bit intimidating. he's got large, long beard and long hair (what there is of it) in a pony tail. he's funny and good w/ babies however and jackson seemed to really enjoy him. i'm glad about that. i know some adults who are sort of put off by tom's look. that's what i hope jackson retains as he gets bigger, that thing about not really caring what people look like or how they dress. we adults could probably learn lots of things from children. i'm looking forward to the lessons to be learned from jackson.

it's wednesday evening and i should be going to bed. i've been ridiculously tired lately. i haven't been able to sleep well, keep waking up. not sure why... hoping that will get better. part of it i'm sure is linked to me not sticking to my working out the past two weeks. not working out has left me feeling as sore and aching as working out did sometimes. especially my legs... anyways...
here's to a better nights sleep tonight.

movin' on up

2007-01-23T11:05:00.000-05:00

so today's moving day..or maybe not..wait and see....

the only constant is change

2007-01-16T22:48:00.000-05:00

looks like i'll be moving offices. i'll be staying in johnson city and almost at the same address. i'm moving into the building next door to the one i'm in now. there'll be several of us switching places w/ some of them, which sort of doesn't sound like it makes much sense....gee go figure, maybe it doesn't make sense.

been a while.

2007-01-16T22:31:00.000-05:00

so it's been a while since there've been any posts from me. been a little busy, distracted, lazy, etc.. to start w/ Christmas was great! we had a good time w/ family, and friends, in indiana. jackson did great travelling and slept pretty well the whole week. he woke up a bit more than when at home but he went back to sleep and all things considered slept really well. he got so wore out christmas day, he slept 11 hours straight that night. that's definitely a good thing. he's adjusted really well back at home too. he's waking up some, but for the most part getting back to his schedule pretty well. he's such a good little man. every sunday at teh nursery at church they say how good he's done. this past week they wanted to take him home and commented on how he's always so pleasant and easy going. how sweet huh? it was good to visit w/ family and friends and for people to be able to jackson, some for the first time. we had a great time visiting w/ mandy and e.j. in indianapolis also. many thanks to them for opening up their home to us for a couple nights.

back at home, we jumped back into work and all. my coughing and whatnot had gotten a bit worse, and finally i ended up feeling pretty sick and missing a little work. i went to the doctor last week and was told it sounded like bronchitis, likely aggravated by allergies. so... i got some meds for the allergies and an antibiotic. seems to be working out pretty good, so that's nice. so, for anyone who sees this here's your update. hope you like it. thanks for stopping by.

in other interesting news, i can now say i know what it likes to be "deposed". i had to give sworn deposition yesterday. i was in a car accident two years ago, where i rear ended someone who about one year later sued me. yesterday was depositions. it was interesting and a little stressful. no idea what to expect next or when to expect it. isn't that grand.

did i mention..??

2007-01-16T22:27:00.000-05:00

Cutest. Baby. Ever.

cutest. baby. ever.

2006-12-20T22:01:00.000-05:00

and the plot thickens

2006-12-19T20:41:00.000-05:00

today was d-day. big "manager's meeting". all will be revealed. organizational restructuring, shifting, what have you... people were nervous and scared. i dont' think it'll be as bad as many people fear, but for some people it might well be. part of the fear and hysteria are really more related to the environment of secrecy and paranoia created by our leadership. (read previous post to see some of the reasons there...) noone wants to make a decision. they had behind committees, and work groups, and the team approach to decisions...until it's a major decision, then it's done behind closed doors, then it's okay if it's unilateral (or at best has very very little input from others) we create our own monsters. we shoot ourselves in the foot daily. why are so dysfunctional? oh that's right...we evidenly like it that way. silly me.

i think my job will be okay. i think it will continue pretty much as is. i just now have a new "direct" supervisor to answer to. he's a good guy. he buys in to the new model of practice. he's laid back. he really seems to convey respect to others. can't complain too much there. but even at that, we were a bit surprised. my team wasn't expecting any changes. our current supervisor will still be in the picture. there'll just be a little more distance between him and us.. which is a little sad. but around here the only constant is change. anyone surprised by the shifts and changes (around the holidays no-less) hasn't been paying attention the past couple years. things are constantly changing and it seems like there's always some major shake up which has half the organization on the warpath right around christmas. great timing guys thanks a lot. merry christmas to you too. oh well...

things fall apart...

2006-12-16T09:15:00.000-05:00

work is a mess. my job is good, for the most part. it's probably the best job to be doing there right now. but there are some alarming things going on around me. the workplace culture is so dysfunctional. we preach core values of genuineness, empathy, and respect. we talk about guiding principles, and best practice. we talk about respecting culture, doing the least traumatic, and least invasive measures whenever possible. we talk about a lot... the administration shakes their heads and scratches their chins when it seems that some staff just don't get it, dont' buy in, aren't on board. why? just old hold outs... just naysayers..... whatever... perhaps it's because what we preach/demand that our staff does for clients is never modelled within the organization. when staff don't feel respected, valued, validated, appreciated, listened to..(the list could go on) are you that surprised that they don't seem quick to show those same values to others? many people i work w/ would say they believe that behavior is learned. even values, and emotions are learned. attachment, trust, etc.... where's the disconnect then for the leadership. seems like the higher up the food chain you travel the less in touch w/ reality they become. START MODELLING THE VALUES YOU CLAIM YOU POSSESS, AND YOU WANT OTHERS TO SHARE.

we wouldn't make a drastic change in a child's life overnight w/ no transition if it could be avoided, particularly if we knew in advance that it was going to happen. we (field staff) would be frowned upon possibly even disciplined in some way for withholding information until the last minute and ambushing people w/ major life changing things when there was an opportunity to address it upfront, and head on, and help people process the information. HOWEVER, our administration can make huge decisions that greatly impact someone's job, may cause a change in lifestyle (office location, travel time, team-mates, etc..), and will definitely cause confusion, sadness and anger... they can make those decisions in advance and wait to tell the staff that will be affected till the last minute, so that while they are reeling from the information and possibly "grieving" the "loss" of valued coworkers and/ supervisors, they are thrust into the new environment and expected to hit the ground running. there's even times when some of the people in supervision are told major news that will affect folks they directly supervise, and then told they are not allowed to say anything till later. what does that do to the personal relationship of trust and respect that the supervisor has strived to build w/the employees (if they are one of the few good supervisors we have).

someone around this place used to talk about relationships. it's all about relationships is what she used to say i think. well my question is do we really believe that? which relationships matter? i'm not sure i know. we claim it's the families but we continue to disrespect and disrupt their lives, sometimes tearing them apart and doing damage that will never be undone, or mended. we claim it's the relationships w/ the courts and contract agencies and "stakeholders"..but we continue to view many of them as the enemy and w/ a bit of arrogance as they just "don't get it" the way we do. (as if we've ever had our act together) so which relationships matter? is it within the department? between employees? which relationships matter to our leadership? i really don't know. so far i'm not sure. lately i've not seen any tangible evidence that any relationships really matter when compared to the majesty and splendor of new initiatives, pilot projects, pinching pennies, avoiding lawsuits (yes, covering our butts), and pretending to have it together to get Nashville off our backs.

So let's go ahead and disrespect and disregard our employees. Let's continue to leave the people most affected by decisions out of the decision making process (what about that "teaming" stuff we're shoving down everyone's throats). let's continue the status quo when it comes to valuing staff, they're expendable afterall. who cares if people quit or retire, there's always new graduates coming along and they're much easier to control. they dont know any better till it's too late. let's preach change, progress, best practice. let's turn over a new leaf, show a new face to the community. but don't let them see what's going on inside this place. they wouldn't be impressed.

the sad thing is i really don't think it's necessary. we can do better than this and at some point i think we'll have to, because this just doesn't make sense and it certainly doesn't feel like "best practice" or any of the other junk that we try to convince ourselves to believe on a daily basis. it's hard to show respect, compassion, empathy, understanding, etc.. if you don't feel like those things are ever shown to you. period. and that "feeling" does matter. if the leadership is surprised by any of this, if they think they've been valuing staff, and respecting them... then maybe it's time to rethink the methods. because even if you don't agree w/ our perspective or perception, it does matter. because our response, or lack of response, to you is shaped by our perspective and perception of how you've treated us. so if you value the relationship w/ staff? figure out how to show that in a way that seems genuine and believable.

gossip and inuendo...

2006-12-13T17:08:00.000-05:00

are so easy to get caught up in. it's easy to jump to conclusions, assume the worst in others, make assumptions about motives.... much harder to give the benefit of the doubt, see the good in other people, etc... or maybe that's just me.

2006-12-12T18:35:00.000-05:00

more photos from saturday's photo-shoot..

2006-12-11T19:29:00.000-05:00

these photos come to you compliments of Robin Shriver. she's not only a friend but also has a good eye for a good photo. we had a "photo-shoot" on saturday. she took lots of pics, probably about 200 and we got quite a few good ones out of it. good times indeed.

friday night

2006-12-08T23:33:00.000-05:00

we ate mexican tonight. no surprise there. we ate w/ our friends ryan and erica. we came back to our house, and hung around...watching jack play, then watching tv...trading spouses to be exact. i hate to admit that. also hate to say that the lady on the show was a "christian" gave the rest of us a bad name. hateful. arrogant. unappreciative of her family. etc... jackson was so close to crawling tonight. sort of a military belly crawl, scooting, type thing. he's cool.

back to the eating...i've been really bad this week. last week i had some good days. stuck to the weight watcher's points pretty good, etc.. the weekend was not so hot last weekend, too much food. this week: terrible. really bad. michelle and i are talking and trying to plan how she can help me (help myself) do better. it's got to change. at this rate, i'll end up being heavier than i've ever been in my life. that's frustrating, and sad and pathetic too. we're going to have a friend w/ a good camera and a great eye for photos take some pictures of us all tomorrow. i'm sort of bummed because i feel like i look so horrible. maybe this will serve as more motivation, seeing pictures of exactly how i do look. we'll see.

for anyone who may read this and be open to new music. house of heroes rock. they rock hard, they rock not so hard, they rock everything in between. great vocals. catchy music. etc...

etc.. again. if i can dig them up maybe i'll put some stories/prose i've written on here. there's some fairly funny stuff, especially from high school. just a weird thought that passed into my head. for now. that's all i've got.

over and out.......

new favorite pastime (brandtson)

2006-12-07T17:15:00.000-05:00

take heart child be still and quiet. know your burdens are mine. dry your eyes. there's so much more to all of this than you can see. so close your eyes tonight and trust in me.

weep w/ those who weep...

2006-12-05T23:42:00.000-05:00

so i recently went to a funeral home for the "receiving of friends" of a family who lost a loved one quite tragically. he was young. he was killed. it was sad. the family was beside themselves, so to speak, fairly hysterical w/ wailing and yelling. it's hard to say how i would react in that situation, but it made me sad and it made me think... i don't know where this guy (kid really) was spiritually. i know he had some exposure to Christianity but i don't know what sort of encounter he may or may not have had w/ Christ. i think there were some folks in his life that were trying to point towards Christ...at any rate, i hope he had settled things w/ God in his own heart.

he was a really neat guy. i know him because of my job...i had worked w/ him. he was probably my favorite...he just had so much charisma and charm. i remember when it was towards the end of my time to work w/ him. he was really involved doing some mentoring of younger kids, thru a christian based group. he was involved in Bible Study and seemed to really be taking it to heart. i wonder if i could have been more of an encourager to him during that time. it was around the time of graduation. he worked hard and even though he had some things stacked against him, he walked across the stage at the graduation ceremony that spring. not that i saw it. he invited me, but i didn't go. i expressed how proud i was of him, and i know he and his family were proud. they had the diploma, cap and gown, etc.. on prominant display in their home. i felt sort of guilty for not going, not just then, but i've thought about that numerous times over the past couple years. and even more so in the past week. about a year after graduating high school, he came back to see me. wanted to get into college. i got him hooked up w/ the appropriate channels to help him look at financial aid, etc.. but that fell thru. did they offer the help he needed? was he followed up w/ enough? probably not.

now i know that people make their own choices and need to learn to be responsible to put out effort for themselves...but i also know that we drop the ball sometimes in the field where i work. we don't always go the extra mile. he deserved it. i don't feel responsible for his death. i don't feel responsible for all the "what ifs", etc.. but i do wonder "what if". there was so much potential there... i saw him again, maybe 2 months ago. i had run into him at other times over the past couple years. maybe there was a reason. maybe i was supposed to be reaching out to him more. there's a lot of maybes i could ask, that probably aren't going to get answered now. but i do wonder. and i'll miss him. and the next time i have the opportunity to do a little extra, to connect w/ someone who probably desperately needs to connect w/ positive people...i'm hoping i'll jump at the chance.

all this makes me think of CS Lewis' "the weight of glory"
the weight, or burden of glory he speaks of is that which we carry for our neighbors and those around us. we're all bound for eternity either in splendor or in hell. our interactions w/ each other could be helping to influence towards one end or the other

"There are no mere ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations- these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit- immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously-no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be a real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner- no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses..." -CS Lewis, The Weight of Glory

"if I could" (mineral)

2006-12-05T18:46:00.000-05:00

and i know i don't deserve this...the capacity to feel...to laugh, and to cry, and to praise.
for that I live and breathe, and wake each day clean... is nothing less than Your grace in awkward and glorious movement.

just to share..

2006-11-27T21:30:00.000-05:00

"february" (by the late, great, mineral)

and the snow falls down, melts before it even hits the ground. and i'm standing here listening to the sound of your hand washing back and forth across my filthy heart. and i don't know if i should say "i'm sorry", or "thank you". i try to speak but the tears choke the words, and i think i finally know what they mean when they talk about joy.

so good to be home...

2006-11-27T21:18:00.000-05:00

"in my mind, every single day here is sunny. it's so bright it almost hurts my eyes to see.
but even when the rain is pouring out over the gutters, i thank the Lord just to be here in tennessee. it's so good to be home." (from a song by the everybodyfields)

so we're home. just got home this afternoon. we didn't end up leaving the corning area till after 4pm. we made it to harrisonburg, va again. nice place to stay if you're looking for a place to stay. we went a different way, got a little mixed up at one of the exits we took onto side roads (maybe that happened twice), and it was midnight before we finally stopped. the good news: jack slept in his pack n play through the night. the trip today was pretty good too. he slept and was in good spirits most of the way. and he's sleeping soundly in his crib right now. went right to bed, no fussing. guess he's glad to be home too.

for those who may actualy read this, yes i know the last post had many spelling mistakes (mostly spacing issues) i typed it very quickly in a works document and copied and pasted it.. didn't really check over it as is obvious....the copying and pasting was necessary b/c i was on a computer w/ dial up internet that likes to boot you offline every couple minutes. so there.

the shindig at the foster's this past friday was good by the way. nice to see people we don't see very much of. michelle's family is cool. it's especially fun to hear them when a group of them get together. we got to see one of her favorite cousin's, ben, and his wife carrie (carrie if you read this and i spelled that wrong, i apologize...i'm not sure of the spelling and don't have a way to verify it at the moment. don't kill me) so they're really exceptionally great people. we're not around them much but every time we are michelle and i both say: gosh, i wish we lived near them, i could totally see us hanging out w/ them a lot. so to anyone who might know these two and have the opportunity to spend somem time w/ them, i highly encourage it. you won't be disappointed. must go for now.

long time, no sleep?

2006-11-24T15:24:00.000-05:00

so here’s the story.. we’re in corning, new york. corning’s a good place. you should all visit. if you do, here’s a couple of tips. Anielo’s Pizza is about the best pizza you’ll findanywhere in the world, except mabye Italy. for our friends in tennessee and/or indianathe mellow mushroom is also quite incredible. for you hoosiers, there’s one in the carmelarea supposedly. you must try it, you will like it. i guarantee it. okay back to corning. thecorning museum of glass is a cool place to visit as well. lots of glass stuff here in corning.and yes, corning is where corningware/correlle ware started. anyways... it’s a pretty placeand here we are.

the trip here was good. we drove till about 11pm tuesday night. then, wednesday wefinished up. jackson did awesome during the drive but did not sleep well at the hoteltuesday night, we figured it’d get better but nope. wednesday night: TERRIBLE...wellmaybe terrible is harsh but he was up way way more than usual. then, thursday night:HORRIFIC...and i stand by that description. he could not get to sleep. we pretty muchended up taking turns holding him throughout the night. w/out going into the details... hedoesn’t feel well. he’s doing some crying but a whole lot of grunting, groaning, straining,etc... especially when he’s lying flat. he hasn’t had a certain bodily function occur inDAYS..and from all evidence, it really needs to. so just a little bit ago, jackson got hisintroduction to prunes, baby food variety of course, and here in a little bit we’ll probablyfollow up w/ prune juice. (for anyone concerned, these actions have been sanctioned by ahealth professional) i’m hoping it helps because i’d love to sleep tonight. the past twonights are the worst we’ve had since he was about two weeks old. so.. . there you have it.he needs to poop.

the visit w/ michelle’s parents has been good though. good turkey, gravy, pumpkin pie,etc.. and good company of course. today we ate at anielo’s also, so that’s marvelous. i’vedone okay on the eating. i’ve been trying to get back on the weight watcher’s plan. that’swhat i was doing when i was losing weight. i didn’t go to meetings or anything, i just paidso i could get the books and figure out the point system and then did it on my own. at anyrate, i left my book and point chart at home so i haven’t had that as a guide. i’m sure i’vehad more points than i’ve neede but i’ve certainly not eaten as much as i have in the pastat the holidays so that’s a good start.

it’s friday afternoon. it’s about 50 degress (i think) outside and sunny. people are comingover to hang out at michelle’s mom and dad’s house tonight. some family, some friends,people who want to see us and jackson. so that should be good. happy day afterthanksgiving everyone. we’ve all got plenty to be thankful for, even when we don’t feel like we have much of anything...if you can follow that.

parting thought: for those who may care, particularly kevin. the newest brandtson cdrocks way more than i expected. i bought it used mostly out of loyalty to the past albumsthey’ve released. i expected it would be more of a novelty almost from what little i’dheard of it. i sort of had a bad attitude because they seem to have changed so much. but itis awesome. i’d say i probably enjoy it more than the last couple releases they’ve put out.those cds got boring for me pretty quickly. this is different enough to really grab yourattention but still has some of the signature stuff that a fan would appreciate. so give it a listen.

you can't see tomorrow from yesterday's eyes

2006-11-20T21:59:00.000-05:00

that title is a lyric, part of at least, from a song by the everybodyfields. (that really is their name) they're a local country/alt-country/slow bluegrass/mountain folk type band. that's my description, not an official genre recognized anywhere else. they are good, if you can handle the male singer's voice. you should check them out on myspace if you're into that sort of thing. also, i highly recommend the biscuit burners. more straight ahead bluegrass/mountain music.

so on to other things... it's been a month (longer actually) since i've written anything on here. i've meant to several times i promise. guess i'm still learning how to budget my time now that there's this precious little guy in our family, and i don't want to miss out on any time that could be spent w/ him. plus, i'm really bad at managing time anyways. ask anybody, they'll tell you. i am vowing to do better so we'll see how that works out. hopefully i'll actually get a few people stop by here from time to time. michelle and i have a newsletter going out w/ updates on us and our ministry at Ground Zero and we're mentioning our blog sites, as well as the picture and photo links too. SO to anyone who may stumble upon this as a result of that, welcome to my world.

since there may be a few newcomers let me address one of the obvious questions people have. they often say "josh, why everalwaysonly?" they do, really. i'm not making that up. my answer is simply this, "because i like it!" i've used that moniker on various things for a while now...since sometime in college i guess. to be honest i don't know for certain how it started but i believe it was in correspondence between myself and kevin, who has been my best buddy since we were in kindergarten. it was used in signing off at the end of emails. he may have started it, or maybe me. not sure, but i've been the one to really take it and claim it. in addition to reminding me of a good friend, it reminds me of God. ever. always. only. those are words that make me think of God. plus there was a time in my life where i wanted very badly to be able to write well...to be able to inspire profound thought with poetic flare. so maybe that's part of it too. at any rate there's a bit of an answer.

i think perhaps i should be drawing this to a close and thinking about getting ready for bed. i need to hit the gym in the morning before work, then after work we're headed to new york (corning to be exact) to spend Thanksgiving w/ Michelle's folks. it'll be our first really long trip w/ Jackson. so pray for us as we travel there, and back again on Sunday and Monday. while i'm on that subject there's a few other things that you could pray for, if you happen upon this and feel so inclined. i'm trying to get back into a healthier routine. i spent much of 2004 trying to break bad habits, but not seeing much of a result in my weight,etc.. then in 2005 i had a really great year and lost a pretty good amount of weight, between 40 and 50 pounds. this past year has seen me gain much of that weight back and really fall way off track w/ my exercising and eating routine. eating is probalby the hardest thing to get a grip on. i know it probably sounds bizarre to some people, but i feel like i have no control over it at all sometimes. that may sound like a cop out, and might be one really, but there are moments when that compulsion to eat feels really strong...as in, i feel almost like i have to eat and can't stop myself. i've not really shared that w/ many people but there you have it. i'm definitely an overeater. so.. i could use prayer for self control, self discipline, etc.. plus an attitude and heart change. i think that i really need to see this as a spiritual battle also. i need to seek God in this process of trying to be healthier, and i don't think i always do that. we're supposed to do everything as if we were doing it for the Lord...i'm not sure the way i care for my health always reflects that.

i probably will stop now, like i said i would earlier. talk at you sometime soon. (hopefully)

rabies, and grave-robbing..

2006-10-06T23:06:00.000-04:00

so a raccoon in a neighboring county tested positive for rabies. it's the fifth find in that county. so remember boys and girls, vaccinate your pets and livestock. rabies is bad in case you haven't heard. also on the news, something about some teacher and students somewhere not here (maybe virginia) breaking into a burial vault and taking pics of each other holding somebody's bones. that's disrespectful and whatnot, but it's also just plain grody if you think about it. maybe it's just me. man, i love watching the news. at least they aren't going on about politics at the moment.

in other news, michelle's parents will be visiting this weekend. that's a good thing. i'm sure they're anxious to see jackson again as they haven't seen him since he was born. he's 4 months old now which is hard to believe. in some ways it's gone by really fast. he's sleeping soundly right now. the past two nights he's really been in the zone and slept through the whole night. 10 hours straight last night. can't argue with that. he's so funny. in jackson news, we had some weirdo waitress wanting to hold him tonight at the thai restaurant we were at. i let her because i didn't know what to say. michelle said it was okay at the time but has coached me on how to politely say no to the next freak show who wants to touch our baby. actually she was pretty nice but it was still awkward. "i'm sorry but i really don't know you, and i'm not comfortable with you holding my child." that's what i'm supposed to say...

so yes, the in-laws are coming and hopefully they'll enjoy the trip. i'm glad they're making it down here before the holidays. I was hoping they would. it'll be difficult as jackson grows up to spend time with family since both our sets of parents are far away, so it's going to take a little more effort and intentionality (is that a word) on everybody's part to maintain a good, close bond. guess that's sort of obvious though.

so i've mentioned the band, at the drive-in before. listening to that anthology a lot lately. one of the best songs on there is called metronome arthritis. why? i have no idea. probably the same reason they had a song called one armed scissor or picket fence cartel. this metronome song really rocks. sort of formulaic in a really stereotypical "emo" sort of way. starts more slowly, builds....soft to loud...whatever. but it's awesome. so what's it about? well i'm pretty sure it's metaphor but it sounds like he's committed arson. the really awesome, climactic part of the song has cedric singing "what if forensics finds the answers? what if they stole my fingerprints? where did i leave my book of matches? ... we'll find you! we'll find you!" sort of weird huh? or maybe he really was an arsonist at some point in his life. i sort of doubt it though. at anyrate, most of their songs were sort of hard to figure out. but the music is great.

so, a lot of words with very little substance to offer. it's not that late, but i'm tired. i should go to bed. tomorrow, company's a comin'.

see.

2006-10-02T11:13:00.000-04:00

this is another post.

finally..

2006-10-01T08:41:00.000-04:00

it's finally October. woohoo!! i love october. i love the fall. this will be the month with the best temperatures. this will be the month that the trees will put on a colorful display. this will be the last month of daylight savings time. i love october.

on a different note:
today, october 1, we will possibly leave jackson in the nursery for the first time at church. little hesitant. there's a lot of freaks in the world, sometimes they go to church too. we're going to have to ask some questions and investigate a little first. we shall see.

and here we go (again)

2006-09-29T21:09:00.000-04:00

so here i am starting yet another blog as means of communication with .....well i'm not sure who would actually read this. maybe just myself. at least this way though, i'm not talking out loud to myself. started on myspace, and lost interest. set up a livejournal blog, and only used it twice..on the same night. started up over at wordpress with the idea that we'd use it for updates on the whole fam; me, michelle (the lovely wife) and jackson (the wonderful baby boy). used it more than one night but haven't done anything in months..all that to say. i tend to be a bit inconsistent. also...i tend to overuse certain punctuation...like the period, for instance... as if you couldn't tell. so...

i have good intentions. hopefully i'll use this more. in other news, i ate mexican tonight and quite enjoyed it. i bought the at.the.drive.in anthology cd (the periods are supposed to be there that's not just me being clever). i had some contact with my long lost cuz, brandon. jackson's been really happy and content all evening, and is soundly sleeping as i type. and my wife love's me in spite of my receding hairline, annoying habits, and taste in music (which she does not share). So basically, life is good.

testing...1, 2, 3...

2006-09-29T21:05:00.000-04:00

will this actually show up this time??